I have been asked that question probably once a month since my ministry began a little more than a year ago. Of course, I always answer in the affirmative and then follow up my response with, “It may not be the answer you were looking for or expecting. Often it’s so very much better than can be imagined or in a form you just don’t expect.” I believe this absolutely, but occasionally — just every now and again — this response feels trite to me. But, after I tell this story, not anymore.
On Sunday, June 19, two very dear friends — Helen and Bob — were killed in a car accident. They were in their eighties and chose to drive for all their vacations. They were coming home from Montana and within 50 miles of home when, it appears, Bob lost control of the car. It’s suspected that he either had a heart attack or a stroke; Helen was killed instantly and Bob died at the scene.
Helen and Bob were friends from the church family at All Saints of the Desert Episcopal Church in Sun City, Arizona, which raised me up to be a priest.
After my ordination to the priesthood, I was assigned to Saints Philip & James Episcopal Church in Morenci, AZ. Helen, in particular, loved coming to visit. She was a life-long church organist and really enjoyed playing for our little church. Once, she tried to talk Bob into committing to come here on a monthly basis. Considering we are 250 miles apart, I was deeply touched as well as amazed. I think in the last 13 months, she still managed to get here five or six times.
Helen was as sharp as the proverbial tack. She subscribed to a variety of blogs including Episcopal Cafe. All of her friends were recipients of sharing articles she found poignant for one reason or another. And she carefully picked articles for each friend; she didn’t “blanket share” information. She was a member of the Daughters of the King and the Altar Guild as well as the back-up organist having retired from full time service many years ago.
Bob was basically her supporter. He helped out at the Thrift Shop on the church campus and occasionally added levity to the choir rehearsals around the church when he would show up.
After I was assigned to Morenci, Helen quickly became what I affectionately called, “my sermon buddy.” She would critique my sermons for content and theology. She taught me as much as any of my professors, mentors and educators.
Saturday, June 25 was the first Saturday since my ordination when I didn’t talk with Helen about my sermon. Instead, I was standing in front of the congregation at All Saints of the Desert participating in a memorial mass for our dear friends — certainly the most difficult service of my young career. The emotional pain in the room was palpable.
Sunday morning I was back in front of my congregation in Morenci where I felt completely exposed when I got up to give my sermon; the first one without Helen’s wise commentary. And I almost made it through without crying. It was OK though, the people in the pews of this congregation were in shock as well over their deaths, and they were crying with me.
In these few short weeks since the accident, I have been contacted two or three times a week by someone who wants to talk about Helen and Bob from All Saints of the Desert. The pain people feel is still so raw, exacerbated, I think, by how sudden and unexpected the loss was. Healing will take time. My heart seemed to break rather than heal with each conversation, and I didn’t feel that I was helping anyone. I even suggested to the rector of All Saints that he set up a grief group for the congregation.
Last week, I was talking with a friend and priest who used to serve at All Saints of the Desert. She gave me permission to share something that our friend Helen told her many times—that she prayed daily that God would find some way to take them together because she knew Bob wouldn’t do well without her if she were to die first.
The evidence of God’s hand in our lives, listening to our deepest desires became evident with this conversation. All of a sudden I had something comforting to offer Helen and Bob’s friends. All of a sudden the answer to the question, “Does God answer prayers?” has a powerful, confident and resounding response, “Yes, He does!”
Sandy Chilese, DAS ’15, is vicar of Saints Philip and James Episcopal Church in Morenci, AZ. She is a locally formed priest through the Diocese of Arizona completing the CALL program at CDSP culminating with earning a diploma in Anglican Studies from Seminary of the Southwest in 2015. Sandy has been married to Fred for 32 years and they have a son who serves in the U.S. Coast Guard.
