The story…
In a recent conversation with a friend an interesting topic came up. She was feeling disturbed about something she described as “petty and silly.” She described that recently a colleague brought an array of pastries to work to share with her team. She was so busy that by the time she got to the break room she noticed there were few pastries left, with the exception of one muffin.
She remembers stating the previous day that she loved muffins and that part of the reason her colleague brought them was in response to her request. What resulted is that another colleague walked in and quickly took the last muffin.
While she told this story I was confused about what had bothered her so much. When I probed further, she responded saying: “I wish they would have at least asked if anyone else wanted the last muffin; I felt like they were only looking out for their needs.” She later said that before her colleague walked in she was going to ask everyone on the unit if they wanted the last muffin, even though she really wanted it.
I later realized that a large portion of the issue was cultural. My friend, coming from a collectivistic view, believed that others should be considered first before thinking of herself and her own needs. Whereas her other colleague, coming from an individualistic perspective, valued the ability to voice and meet their needs. My friend, feeling disturbed enough, creatively approach the colleague that had taken the last muffin and discussed the dynamics that had occurred; it no longer became about the last muffin but about each other’s experience. My friend quickly learned that her colleague was allergic to the other pastries, and the muffin was the only one they could eat. Similarly, her colleague realized what a big deal it was for my friend to a) voice her needs on the matter; and b) the value of considering their colleagues.
This story came to mind for a few reasons: 1) it demonstrated the process of disconnection; 2) there were cultural components to consider; and 3) there was a clear rupture in the relationship; initially neither of them were able to view each other’s perspective. Once they were able to name the disconnection and their experience, they were able to mutually experience empathy for each other.
How does mutuality play a role in this story?
Anyone who has taken my class knows that I subscribe to the theoretical orientation known as Relational Cultural Theory. The main premise is that we grow in connection and that disconnection is necessary in order for reconnection to occur; the challenge humans must overcome is disconnection and isolation (Jordan, 2014). When I learned about this theory early in my career I thought to myself, “this makes so much sense!” The idea is that movement begins when both parties move towards connection through mutual empathy.
According to Jordan (1986), in order “for empathy to facilitate change, each person must see, know, and feel the responsiveness of the other person. Mutual empathy involves mutual impact, mutual care, and mutual responsiveness” (as cited in relational-cultural therapy, 2014, p. 4). In class we use the Conversation Covenant as a starting point for mutuality. Mutuality is not used in the conventional way, “where most people view it as sameness,” but rather, as a way to develop awareness and empathy towards the other in order to be able to listen deeply.
In addition, mutuality is about demonstrating interest and caring about what the individual has to say. The “muffin” dilemma, although seemingly small, was the beginning of an important conversation. It represented the many opportunities to engage in mutuality in our everyday life.
When I look back at this story, I realize that initially I lacked the ability to see what was distressing her. Yet, I also knew that what she was experiencing was real. Once I was able to see beyond myself, I realized what a big deal it was for her to approach her colleague and move towards reconnection. In addition, hearing her story allowed me to examine missed opportunities of where a person was bidding for me to understand their perspective.
Moving forward, I’ve made the intention to pay attention to those “muffin” moments where I can practice mutuality…or at least begin the conversation.
So I encourage you that the next time you see the “last muffin,” ask yourself:
1. In what areas do struggle to see another person’s perspective?
2. What’s at stake for you when you decide to view another’s perspective?
3. Where in your life are you seeking reconnection? How will you go about moving towards mutuality?
Dr. Stephanie Ramirez is Assistant Professor of Counselor Education. Her research interests include counseling outside of U.S. borders, social justice and multicultural awareness and diversity. She has counseled clients in a variety of settings including providing counseling and advocacy services for undocumented women experiencing domestic violence, worked with senior adults and caregivers, and has recently worked with at-risk youth.
