For many of us, the Thanksgiving break is a welcome retreat from our work and studies. But emotions are running high after this year’s election, and the holiday season may mean we’ll find ourselves in difficult conversations with family and friends over shared meals. How do we communicate when we have differences of opinion without being reduced to name-calling?
I found myself reflecting on this question as Dr. Scott Bader-Saye presented “Bonds of Affection” during the Relationship Lecture series we recently enjoyed here at Southwest. Scott’s November 2014 Christian Century article examined affection, or storge, in the context of churches struggling with divisive issues. November 2016 was an excellent time to revisit storge in light of the ongoing pre- and post-election dialogue.
On affection, Scott noted that C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves, “There need be no apparent fitness between those whom it unites.” In other words, we can feel affection for others even if we disagree with them.
But how does that work?
For me, sometimes not saying something is an act of love. I’ve been advised to ask myself: are the words necessary? If so, be honest and kind in the delivery. If not, I try to stay silent and, instead, accept that no one may fully know what’s in my heart and mind but God.
But what about those moments when we are asked – or feel compelled – to speak our minds? I need to prepare my mind first. Sunday church attendance, which was first something my parents insisted on and then something I avoided, has become something I need, much like water. I need to hear the message to love one another again and again. This helps me wash the debris of self-righteousness and fear off of my affection for my fellows and return to the world ready to admit that I actually don’t have all the answers. Then there’s hope I can listen and respond rather than interrupt and react.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I commit to taking care of myself. When I’m tired, when I’m angry, when I’m afraid, I do what it takes to recharge my battery. Sometimes that means finding time alone, and sometimes that means retreating to the topics where it’s easier to find common ground.
As family time approaches, I’m feeling optimistic about dialogue because love doesn’t require that we agree with one another. It turns out that love has many forms. When all else fails, we have storge.
What helps you hold onto affection for others even when you disagree?
How will you speak your truth today while also practicing kindness?
What are you not going to say and keep, instead, just for God?
Alison Poage is the Director of the Harold and Patricia Booher Library at Seminary of the Southwest.
